Another Valentine's Day Muscial Massacre

How many times do we have to go over this.... generic EDM bullshit is not the sort of music that should be spun at a Valentine's Day event! 

Seasonal events like Christmas, Halloween and Valentines each offer the opportunity for themed music that perfectly encapsulates the theme of the event to provide a suitable ambience. It should be so fucking easy to get right. But, instead, we get the same EDM trash every... single... time...

It's genuinely exhausting to be subjected to this time after time for every single community event. And it convinces me that the organisers simply don't care for guest experience. Those involved in putting these events on are more interested in treating them as vanity projects. As long as their names go up in lights, who cares whether they are actually delivering an enjoyable or memorable experience.

After all, for many, this is one of the most special nights of the evening so, if they are choosing to spend it at one of these events, make it about the guests, not the fucking egos of the DJs and whoever the fuck else wants to have their name on a bloody poster.

Like, how hard is it to play some romantic love songs with a sprinkling of some lewd and sexy songs in there as well for good measure? I'll let you... not hard at all! It is literally the simplest assignment possible! Aaaaargggghhh, just thinking about it makes me mad.

It's fucking depressing that this is once again what I'm having to speak out about. How many times is this now? I've honestly lost count...

Welp, at least this wasn't the worst offending Valentine's Day party that we've had. Thankfully the venue wasn't a self-indulgent cathedral to excess this time round. Actually, it was quite nice and, dare I say it, even looked like it had had a bit of thought put into supporting the theme of the party but providing an element of intimacy.

I mean, I have to question the logic of using a venue with so many obstacles and natural obstructions scattered around when 400 - 500 guests are expected to be in the house at one time but at least there was an attempt at creating an air of love and romance. If it was to just hold around 200 guests, it may even have been perfect. But we all know that far more than that will turn up when being bribed by the possibility of winning the various prizes draws held throughout the event.

And, as crazy as this may sound, they may even have listened to one of my regular complaints about every previous Valentine's Day event. Of course, I could be giving them too much credit but I'm really trying to not be entirely negative here. So what were the booths that were dotted around the parameter of the party area? Could they have actually been the kissing booths that I have been begging for for years? 

It's hard to tell because I didn't actually see any in use. In my head cannon though, I'm going say yes, someone finally listened about at least one thing that we've been asking for. And I need to do that, because it gives me a glimmer of hope that one day, they might listen to reason about playing thematically appropriate music. Only a glimmer, mind...

Actually, I want to note a few other positives about the venue, while I've distracted myself from my overwhelming annoyance at the music issue. Firstly, a distinct reduction in massive branding everywhere. Maybe that means I have to partially walk back my suggestion that there is too much vanity involved? I still stand by that but it was nice that the place had a more organic vibe instead of being one big advertising board.

Then, continuing that theme; no massive DJ stand as the focal point of an arena flanked by ridiculous dancer podiums that have enough capacity for triple digit numbers of dancers. I like that the DJ booth was much more humble than normal rather than dominating the entire space. So I suppose that is progress as well.

Finally, I appreciated that effort was made to layout plenty of spots for lovers to canoodle and be intimate together. Something that has been sorely missing from some past events.  The various cute little picnic spots and benched areas worked pretty well for me.

So, in summary, my initial positive thoughts of seeing a vice nice venue were quickly washed away by the rapid realisation that it was going to be yet another unbearable event due to the DJs once again failing to understand the assignment.

Too Real - Streaming Now!

The metaverse is not the escape from our problems that we dreamt it would be. Our flaws and failings are integral to our very being. Wherever we go, we bring them with us. We cannot escape from ourselves.

And so we find ourselves back at the very beginning of the writing sessions for what would ultimately. become my Too Much, Too Raw and Too Real EPs at a time when I was in a dark, dark headspace and found some solace through penning the most brutally raw and honest lyrics that I've ever written. Which is exactly why the first songs written are the last ones to be released - simply because I wasn't sure if I even wanted some of them to see the light of day, let alone be the public's introduction to this series of releases. 

But the songs found on Too Raw are undoubtably the ones that illicit the most powerful emotions within me when I listen to them so I desperately wanted to share them, warts and all, because I know I am not alone in struggling to talk openly about these sorts of ugly things. Depression, insecurities, self loathing - it is all here in abundance. This is my soul laid bare for all to see. This is my truth. 

Also, they represent a time when my musical direction was somewhat different, leading to this being the most eclectic sounding of these 3 sister EPs. Back when this batch of songs were conceived, the concept was for a single release that would be split in two - one half leaning more heavily towards metal and the other half leaning more heavily into electronic. It was only as I got further into later writing sessions that it became clearer that I was far more driven to go all in on the metal and industrial, so the more electronic flavoured songs never really materialised apart from those found on this EP (apart from Simulacrum on Too Real, of course).

Stream now: Soundcloud | YouTube

Fuck, Marry, Kill

Did you check out Jerome's teaser image for my single from upcoming Too Raw EP and figure out what it meant? One image hinting at some sexy times. Another of a wedding. And a final image of someone who has been murdered.

You know what that means, right? It's time to play that game that has been known by various names from location to location or by how explicit you want to be, but which ultimately comes down to you making 3 choices; who will you fuck, who will you marry and who will you kill?

Check out the video for Fuck, Marry, Kill (aka F.M.K.) below!

Or listen to the full single (both F.M.K. and its companion b-side on Soundcloud or YouTube.

Maybe even leave me a comment to let me know which of the three choices you would make for me. I am curious - would you fuck, marry or kill me?

And, whatever you do, don't forget to come back a week today for the release of the final EP in my trilogy of EPs - Too Raw!

Hands on with my Ambi

Here we go with a bit of a departure from my usual routine. I normally focus all my sex toy reviews on the latest, shiniest toys fresh from Lovense's labs, but this time I'm rewinding the clock. Let's talk about the Ambi, one of their older models that's been lurking on the periphery of my curiosity for an embarrassingly long time.

I'd always glance at it, note its sensible price tag, and then get distracted by something newer and shinier. But this past Black Friday, I saw it going for an absolute bargain - the kind of price where you can't possibly say no. So, I finally took the plunge to see if this veteran still has what it takes to compete in a drawer now full of its more complex successors.

First Impressions

The Ambi arrived in what I now consider Lovense's classic, minimalist packaging - stylish but no-frills. Sadly, it omits the free black storage baggy that became the norm for so long. It’s a small thing, but for a brand built on premium discretion, it still feels like a slight miss.

Pulling the toy out, its unique form immediately sets it apart. This isn't your standard bullet vibe. It’s a compact, hammer-shaped device, crafted from that familiar, body-safe silicone that feels both soft and substantial in the hand. The design is clever: one end is a broad, flat head with a contour that hints at its purpose, while the other tapers to a precise point. It’s a tool clearly designed with thoughtful intention, not just to be another simple cylinder.

Anatomy and Usability

The genius of the Ambi is all in its shape, which solves several problems at once. First, the dual-ended design offers immediate versatility. The broad, flat head provides a wide, rumbling field of stimulation that’s perfect for when you want full, encompassing pleasure without a specific focal point. Spin it around, and the tapered end becomes a precision instrument for intense, pinpoint attention, perfect for some precise clit stimulation. It genuinely feels like having two distinct toys in one which you can instantly swap back and forth between.

The Ambi then has a third trick up its sleeve. The top of the hammer offers a third surface for stimulation. One that has contouring that is vulva-inspired, allowing you to simultaneously stimulate over a wide area while also managing to reach into all areas to make sure that nowhere goes untouched.

Furthermore, the subtle contouring of the handle is a neat design choice compared to traditional bullets I’ve owned, making it much easier to keep hold of. When things get slippery, the handle’s length can feel just a touch short for a completely secure grip, even if the contouring does help it stay in your hand - a minor point, but one worth mentioning for those who like a firm hold. Otherwise, it is perfectly sized for my small hands and it also offers real leverage and control, allowing you to position the vibes exactly where you want them without your hand cramping around a tiny nub.

Control is beautifully straightforward, with a single button on the base of the handle for power and cycling through onboard patterns. Of course, connecting to the Lovense app unlocks its full potential for custom patterns and legendary remote control.

The main point of friction, quite literally, comes with charging. The Ambi uses a magnetic charging dock that the toy stands in rather than a charging cable that connects to it. While it charges quickly - about 70 minutes for a full battery - the dock is notoriously sensitive. The toy must be placed perfectly, and the base itself must remain utterly still, or the connections lose contact and charging stops.

Although I do like the idea of standing the toy in the dock instead of laying it on its sideI can definitely see why the dock idea has not been re-used for toys. And, annoyingly, the spacing of the magnetic connectors is different to now ubiquitous charging lead so you can’t substitute one of those in instead.

Hassle-Free Practicality

A practical note that’s well worth highlighting; the Ambi boasts an IPX7 waterproof rating. In simple terms, this means it can be fully submerged in water, making it not just bath and shower-safe, but also incredibly easy to clean. A quick rinse with warm water and mild soap, or a gentle wipe down with a dedicated toy cleaner, is all it takes. This seamless transition from play to clean-up is a small but significant feature that makes incorporating the Ambi into your masturbation routine completely effortless, with no fuss or worry.

A Powerhouse in Disguise

Do not let its modest size or accessible price point deceive you. The Ambi packs a profound punch, though it's crucial to frame this as my personal experience. Anatomy varies so widely that I can only speak to how it performed for me, and your own journey with it might differ.

For me, the vibrations it produces are deep, rumbly, and carry a satisfying weight that completely transcends the shallow, buzzy sensation of cheap plastic bullets. The range is exceptional, offering everything from a relatively gentle, teasing hum that’s perfect for edging to an intense, mind-melting rumble that delivers spectacular results.

This immense power, however, comes with a tangible physical feedback that underscores just how capable its motor is. During extended use, or particularly at the highest intensity settings, the vibrations are so strong and pervasive that they can travel through the handle and make my fingers go numb.

This is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it's a direct, physical testament to the toy's raw power - it's clearly not holding anything back. On the other, that numbness can become a distraction or an uncomfortable reminder to switch hands or dial the power back for a moment. It almost encourages you to use it as a teasing toy on lower settings, saving the full force for shorter, more focused bursts.

One point that consistently impresses me is just how reasonable the noise is. You might expect a toy with this much punch to announce itself with a noticeable buzz, possibly something quite shrill, but it manages to be surprisingly discreet. The sound it produces is a low, focused hum rather than a high-pitched whirr. While it's not utterly silent, the noise level is easily masked by a bit of background music, a running fan, or ambient household sounds. For a powerful little device, its discreet operation is a thoughtful bonus that adds to its versatility for private use or shared living spaces.

Who is it for?

So, who is the Lovense Ambi for? In my view, it’s a multifaceted toy for someone who wants versatility over gimmicks or hyper-specific functionality. It is the perfect, no-fuss introduction for anyone taking their first step into the world of app-controlled toys, offering incredible value. For the seasoned collector, it’s a versatile and potent workhorse that fills a unique niche, especially for travel due to its compact size and dual-ended utility. While it has its minor quirks -the finicky charging dock and possible numbness-inducing raw power - these are insignificant compromises for a toy that delivers so much sheer, reliable pleasure.

Oh, and the compact size of it makes it another great option for travel. Whether it’s carrying it discreetly in your bag or needing something that is small enough to slip into the restricted space of luggage, it’s perfect for making sure that you’ve always got something close at hand for those unexpected moments of horniness when you simply have to get yourself off.

In closing

It has firmly earned a permanent spot in my rotation, a testament to the fact that timeless, clever design often outshines fleeting novelty. The Ambi is the unassuming veteran that quietly out-performs expectations, and I’m so glad a Black Friday bargain finally forced me to pay it the attention it has always deserved.

If you too have been sleeping on the no-frills simplicity of the Ambi and now fancy giving it a try, head over to the Lovense store now to pick one up. Sadly, the Black Friday deal ended long ago but the Ambi still remains just about the cheapest toy that Lovense sells, so a bargain nevertheless, especially if you are a newcomer looking to dip your toes into the world of remote play sex toys without breaking the bank on something more fancy.

Behind the Cover

Jerome has shared a fascinating 10 part thread over on Twitter in which he gives some behind the scenes insight into the collaborative process that we went through to produce the artwork for my recent Thalidomide single.

In it, he discusses different concepts we considered and shares some of the ideas we tried and rejected, as well as some that ultimately turned out to be stepping stones on the way to the final thing. I highly recommend you go and have a read of it and show him some much deserved love for all the fine work he does.

Also, he signs off with a teaser for the next part of our collaboration. I suppose next Monday is the first Monday of February so you can probably guess what that means...