Fuck, Marry, Kill

Did you check out Jerome's teaser image for my single from upcoming Too Raw EP and figure out what it meant? One image hinting at some sexy times. Another of a wedding. And a final image of someone who has been murdered.

You know what that means, right? It's time to play that game that has been known by various names from location to location or by how explicit you want to be, but which ultimately comes down to you making 3 choices; who will you fuck, who will you marry and who will you kill?

Check out the video for Fuck, Marry, Kill (aka F.M.K.) below!

Or listen to the full single (both F.M.K. and its companion b-side on Soundcloud or YouTube.

Maybe even leave me a comment to let me know which of the three choices you would make for me. I am curious - would you fuck, marry or kill me?

And, whatever you do, don't forget to come back a week today for the release of the final EP in my trilogy of EPs - Too Raw!

Hands on with my Ambi

Here we go with a bit of a departure from my usual routine. I normally focus all my sex toy reviews on the latest, shiniest toys fresh from Lovense's labs, but this time I'm rewinding the clock. Let's talk about the Ambi, one of their older models that's been lurking on the periphery of my curiosity for an embarrassingly long time.

I'd always glance at it, note its sensible price tag, and then get distracted by something newer and shinier. But this past Black Friday, I saw it going for an absolute bargain - the kind of price where you can't possibly say no. So, I finally took the plunge to see if this veteran still has what it takes to compete in a drawer now full of its more complex successors.

First Impressions

The Ambi arrived in what I now consider Lovense's classic, minimalist packaging - stylish but no-frills. Sadly, it omits the free black storage baggy that became the norm for so long. It’s a small thing, but for a brand built on premium discretion, it still feels like a slight miss.

Pulling the toy out, its unique form immediately sets it apart. This isn't your standard bullet vibe. It’s a compact, hammer-shaped device, crafted from that familiar, body-safe silicone that feels both soft and substantial in the hand. The design is clever: one end is a broad, flat head with a contour that hints at its purpose, while the other tapers to a precise point. It’s a tool clearly designed with thoughtful intention, not just to be another simple cylinder.

Anatomy and Usability

The genius of the Ambi is all in its shape, which solves several problems at once. First, the dual-ended design offers immediate versatility. The broad, flat head provides a wide, rumbling field of stimulation that’s perfect for when you want full, encompassing pleasure without a specific focal point. Spin it around, and the tapered end becomes a precision instrument for intense, pinpoint attention, perfect for some precise clit stimulation. It genuinely feels like having two distinct toys in one which you can instantly swap back and forth between.

The Ambi then has a third trick up its sleeve. The top of the hammer offers a third surface for stimulation. One that has contouring that is vulva-inspired, allowing you to simultaneously stimulate over a wide area while also managing to reach into all areas to make sure that nowhere goes untouched.

Furthermore, the subtle contouring of the handle is a neat design choice compared to traditional bullets I’ve owned, making it much easier to keep hold of. When things get slippery, the handle’s length can feel just a touch short for a completely secure grip, even if the contouring does help it stay in your hand - a minor point, but one worth mentioning for those who like a firm hold. Otherwise, it is perfectly sized for my small hands and it also offers real leverage and control, allowing you to position the vibes exactly where you want them without your hand cramping around a tiny nub.

Control is beautifully straightforward, with a single button on the base of the handle for power and cycling through onboard patterns. Of course, connecting to the Lovense app unlocks its full potential for custom patterns and legendary remote control.

The main point of friction, quite literally, comes with charging. The Ambi uses a magnetic charging dock that the toy stands in rather than a charging cable that connects to it. While it charges quickly - about 70 minutes for a full battery - the dock is notoriously sensitive. The toy must be placed perfectly, and the base itself must remain utterly still, or the connections lose contact and charging stops.

Although I do like the idea of standing the toy in the dock instead of laying it on its sideI can definitely see why the dock idea has not been re-used for toys. And, annoyingly, the spacing of the magnetic connectors is different to now ubiquitous charging lead so you can’t substitute one of those in instead.

Hassle-Free Practicality

A practical note that’s well worth highlighting; the Ambi boasts an IPX7 waterproof rating. In simple terms, this means it can be fully submerged in water, making it not just bath and shower-safe, but also incredibly easy to clean. A quick rinse with warm water and mild soap, or a gentle wipe down with a dedicated toy cleaner, is all it takes. This seamless transition from play to clean-up is a small but significant feature that makes incorporating the Ambi into your masturbation routine completely effortless, with no fuss or worry.

A Powerhouse in Disguise

Do not let its modest size or accessible price point deceive you. The Ambi packs a profound punch, though it's crucial to frame this as my personal experience. Anatomy varies so widely that I can only speak to how it performed for me, and your own journey with it might differ.

For me, the vibrations it produces are deep, rumbly, and carry a satisfying weight that completely transcends the shallow, buzzy sensation of cheap plastic bullets. The range is exceptional, offering everything from a relatively gentle, teasing hum that’s perfect for edging to an intense, mind-melting rumble that delivers spectacular results.

This immense power, however, comes with a tangible physical feedback that underscores just how capable its motor is. During extended use, or particularly at the highest intensity settings, the vibrations are so strong and pervasive that they can travel through the handle and make my fingers go numb.

This is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it's a direct, physical testament to the toy's raw power - it's clearly not holding anything back. On the other, that numbness can become a distraction or an uncomfortable reminder to switch hands or dial the power back for a moment. It almost encourages you to use it as a teasing toy on lower settings, saving the full force for shorter, more focused bursts.

One point that consistently impresses me is just how reasonable the noise is. You might expect a toy with this much punch to announce itself with a noticeable buzz, possibly something quite shrill, but it manages to be surprisingly discreet. The sound it produces is a low, focused hum rather than a high-pitched whirr. While it's not utterly silent, the noise level is easily masked by a bit of background music, a running fan, or ambient household sounds. For a powerful little device, its discreet operation is a thoughtful bonus that adds to its versatility for private use or shared living spaces.

Who is it for?

So, who is the Lovense Ambi for? In my view, it’s a multifaceted toy for someone who wants versatility over gimmicks or hyper-specific functionality. It is the perfect, no-fuss introduction for anyone taking their first step into the world of app-controlled toys, offering incredible value. For the seasoned collector, it’s a versatile and potent workhorse that fills a unique niche, especially for travel due to its compact size and dual-ended utility. While it has its minor quirks -the finicky charging dock and possible numbness-inducing raw power - these are insignificant compromises for a toy that delivers so much sheer, reliable pleasure.

Oh, and the compact size of it makes it another great option for travel. Whether it’s carrying it discreetly in your bag or needing something that is small enough to slip into the restricted space of luggage, it’s perfect for making sure that you’ve always got something close at hand for those unexpected moments of horniness when you simply have to get yourself off.

In closing

It has firmly earned a permanent spot in my rotation, a testament to the fact that timeless, clever design often outshines fleeting novelty. The Ambi is the unassuming veteran that quietly out-performs expectations, and I’m so glad a Black Friday bargain finally forced me to pay it the attention it has always deserved.

If you too have been sleeping on the no-frills simplicity of the Ambi and now fancy giving it a try, head over to the Lovense store now to pick one up. Sadly, the Black Friday deal ended long ago but the Ambi still remains just about the cheapest toy that Lovense sells, so a bargain nevertheless, especially if you are a newcomer looking to dip your toes into the world of remote play sex toys without breaking the bank on something more fancy.

Behind the Cover

Jerome has shared a fascinating 10 part thread over on Twitter in which he gives some behind the scenes insight into the collaborative process that we went through to produce the artwork for my recent Thalidomide single.

In it, he discusses different concepts we considered and shares some of the ideas we tried and rejected, as well as some that ultimately turned out to be stepping stones on the way to the final thing. I highly recommend you go and have a read of it and show him some much deserved love for all the fine work he does.

Also, he signs off with a teaser for the next part of our collaboration. I suppose next Monday is the first Monday of February so you can probably guess what that means...

Closing Night Encore Reveals New Depths

Apologies if you have had enough of my The Phantom of the Opera themed content but I've got one more piece for you.

A curious thing happened after I published my review of The Phantom of the Opera. The feedback I received included a delightful piece of news; the Saturday performances featured a different principal cast to the Monday show that I attended last week. This revelation directly addressed my slight lament about the show’s intense focus on its central trio limiting spotlight opportunities. In fact, the producers had intentionally structured the run to give two full sets of principle performers the chance to tackle these iconic, demanding roles. 

Intrigued, and eager to see how another interpretation might colour the production, I made a point to return for what was not just the final Saturday performance, but also the closing night of the entire run - this time experiencing the spectacle from the new perspective of the balcony.

The shift in vantage point was transformative. From above, the grand, sweeping staircase of the ballroom and the intricate layout of the Phantom’s lair took on a new, painterly quality, allowing a fuller appreciation of the set design’s scope. More importantly, it offered a pristine auditory landscape to experience the second cast in their own right. 

The only downside to my elevated view was that I shattered a little bit of the illusion for myself by spotting the gaffer tape marks on the stage that all of the cast consistently hit with such precision. It was the sort of glimpse by the curtain that we all know exists but we'd all rather pretend that we didn't. Again though, it just goes to reinforce the professionalism that was put into the production with such meticulous care being put in to ensuring that absolutely everything was executed to perfection. 

Of course, these little details aren't the real reason why I was returning for another performance. It was to see how the show would compare with an alternate line-up of principle actors.

Neenna’s Christine was defined by a bright, crystalline vocal clarity, which made her character’s journey from awestruck ingenue to a woman of decisive strength feel like a transformative revelation. As the Phantom, DaveDD brought a profoundly lyrical and wounded sensibility to the part, his rendition of "The Music of the Night" playing as a heartbreaking, vulnerable confession rather than a seductive command. Meanwhile, Daveeee’s Raoul crackled with a younger, more impetuous energy, his protective fervour lending the romantic stakes a compelling urgency.

Furthermore, this second viewing granted me a small, personal epiphany. My slight disappointment at the absence of the full "Phantom of the Opera" number was softened by the realisation that the show does, in fact, open with its magnificent "Overture", which proudly features that iconic, driving melody. During my first, note-taking visit in the stalls, I must have been so intently focused on the scene-setting narration over the music that I failed to properly register it. Hearing it afresh, without distraction, was a thrill - it was all there, the musical DNA of the entire saga, laid out in that glorious, orchestral prelude.

Seeing the production twice, with two distinct casts, ultimately affirmed its greatest strength: it is a robust, meticulously crafted piece of theatre that serves as a formidable vehicle for talent. The different interpretations enriched the story, proving that a strong directorial vision and a solid production framework can empower artists to find new shades of meaning in well-known roles. 

It was a privilege to witness both ensembles, and it turned my initial observation about limited opportunities into a celebration of the company’s commitment to showcasing the depth of talent at its disposal. The only hollow feeling I'm left with this time is that this is the last we'll see of this production. At least for now...

It goes without saying that, once again, the standing ovation witnessed at the end of the night was richly deserved. Now we just have to wait to see what production we can look forward to next.

Find me in The Hidden Circle

If you fancy broadening your horizons beyond my humble blog, my recent review of The Phantom of the Opera has been republished over on The Hidden Circle Gazette. Head over there for other reviews, interviews, an online directory of venues and much, much more. There's certainly plenty there for you to wade through if you are looking for some good reading material.

On a side note, I think there is no greater validation than when others think that what you have to say is worth sharing so it is always an honour to be featured in this way. 

I also strongly believe this also serves to validate how vital creative endeavours like these musicals are to the longevity of our little community. Creativity inspires creativity. And, as someone who has been struggling for enthusiasm towards writing of late, it feels wonderful to have been so moved by something that I couldn't wait to pen to paper and share all the feeling it stirred within me.

That those words have, in turn, resonated with so many people brings me a lot of joy. It feels so rewarding to feel like I can pay forwards the inspiration that others gave me and hopefully encourage some creativity in others in a similar way.